Most of my close friends know of the humor that is my love life….or lack there of. After talking with some people about my streaks of bad dates, I decided to write down the better….or should I say worse encounters. It seems that time after time that I find myself in situations that I don’t even believe myself, yet alone would I expect someone else to understand it. So, feel free to believe what you want, but these encounters are all real mishaps with real girls…
I was a freshman in college. I knew a cute girl who would be in Provo for a few days. We had talked about going on a date one day, so I decided to take her on a date while she was in town. I even requested that afternoon of work off to make this a good date and to make sure everything went as planned. I decide to take her to Temple Square to see the lights (she had told me of always wanting to go on a date there) and book us reservations at The Rooftop (the fancy restaurant overlooking the temple). Then, I had planned for us to go to a secret spot of mine overlooking the valley, complete with blankets and hot chocolate (she had also told me of wanting to do this. Very basic Mormon girl….I know.).
Well the day of, I have trouble reaching her. She was hesitant about it and to her credit, I wasn’t telling her anything about our date because I wanted to surprise her. Well, she finally tells me she can’t go on short notice and she has to be back early and that she’s just gonna stay in that night. Some lame excuse she could have gotten out of. Well, I’m rattled and decide to go hangout with our mutual friends. I call my friend and she tells me to come over because a big group are over. Well, I open the door and who do I see sitting on the couch in-between 5 other guys? This girl. The audacity of some people. Long story short, it’s awkward. We talk for a minute before she leaves. She feels bad. I’m still mad. She goes home. I go hit on her hot friends for awhile. The end.
I think this was the 2nd day I was in Provo. School hadn’t started yet. I go to a pool party with some friends. While at the pool party, I slice my head open playing pool basketball. 10 staples and a concussion later, i’m good to go out for the night. We go to a party at BYU and I run into a friend from Colorado. We had also talked about going on a date in school. She was extremely flirty with me and sounded like she almost wanted to date. So I talk to her that night and she feels bad for me and takes care of me all night and is by my side. What more could I want? It was going perfect. She then agrees that we should go on a date the next night. So I walk her back to her dorm. While on our way, she gets a call from a guy she met earlier before the party. We wait a minute or two for him. Turns out it was the same overly competitive, meat head of a BYU linebacker that gave me the 10 staples in the head. Great. Very awkwardly I say hi to him and then he leaves and the night is over.
I go home, text her to confirm for tomorrow. Nothing. Wake up. Still no text back. Lunch time. Still no text back. Afternoon rolls around so I send out another text (cringe). Nothing. An hour later. Give her a call. Nothing. I finally decide her phone must have been lost or something (anything but the fact that she is obviously avoiding me like the plague.). I go out with some guy friends to a block party. On our way walking to the party, I spot her holding hands with the meat head walking right at us. I look at my friends and quickly tell them that’s the girl. We walk directly towards them. She eventually looks at me 20 feet away. She looks like she saw a ghost. She immediately points to the clouds trying to distract the meat head to avoid a confrontation. Well, he looks quickly then looks back to see me walking. He gives me the “Oh hey bro!” and I just respond with a “well isn’t this cute!”. They keep walking. She has her face in his arm. A few seconds later, my friend yells out the always classy “BITCHHH” at her. The end.
A girl I had a thing with in high school decided to write me a letter while I was in college. Essentially the letter talked about how she still liked me and wanted me back and was going to wait for me on my mission. Everything I didn’t want to hear. It had been 2 years already and I was way over it. Well, I don’t know what to do with the love note. I decide to put it in a secret pocket in my backpack so nobody will ever find it.
Fast forward a few months. I’ve been in China for a couple weeks. We were on a weekend trip to Suzhou. My stomach is still adjusting to Chinese food. We were walking around the town after getting massages. My sister and I are walking through a busy stretch of downtown where a large crowd of police officers were standing. I decide to fart as I walk by the police officers so we can notice their reaction. Well. Something more than a fart came out. I immediately rush to the nearest bathroom I can find. FINALLY. Safety. Wrong. There is no toilet paper. Chinese customs are BYOTP. I had totally forgot because I was still new to China. Well I look for a paper towl by the sink. Fresh out. I run into the women’s bathroom. Fresh out. A lady gives me a startling look, as any Chinese woman would when seeing a 6’3 white kid in a ladies room. So I run back into my stall. I frantically search through my back pack. It’s either between using my passport or my brand new sock. Then I realize I forgot to search my secret pocket. I pull open the pocket and find the 4 page love letter. I pause for a second thinking about what layer of hell i’d go to for using this love letter to wipe myself up. Screw it. I use every possible inch to clean myself up, and then rinse my underwear out in the sink and get back to the rest of the group. The end.
3 weeks before my mission I take a 2 week road trip. After about a week of couch surfing, I end up in Provo for a few days. I decide to take this very cute girl on a date. She is by far one of the more attractive girls i’ve been on a date with. I decide to make this very romantic. I decide to buy her some treats and a nice card to leave on her porch for the morning of. That night I stay up with my friends late into the morning. I wake up and the weather is poor, making me have to audible on my original plans for the date. So I finally decide to take her ice skating and get everything set up. I decide I’ll take a quick nap before running to her place and dropping the goods on her porch. Well, after a week of couch surfing, i’m exhausted and end up passing out for a few hours. I wake up to my friends beating on me and dragging me into their car to get Chinese food. Being in the awkward “just woke up and what year is it” phase I forget about dropping the card off and what time it is exactly. While eating, I realize that i’m screwed and i’m going to be 30 minutes or so late. My perfectly planned date was slipping away. I get the hint that she is upset I was running late (rightfully so). I finally rush back to my couch and get dressed and go pick her up. During some awkward ice skating, an even more awkward conversation arises. Somehow her former boyfriend type guy gets brought up. He was on a mission and I wasn’t exactly sure how serious they were. Well she goes on for several minutes to tell me how much she likes him and how she’s confident that they’ll get married when he gets back. I almost immediately zone out of the conversation and just start thinking, “I’m paying for another man’s wife right now. And i’m definitely not getting a kiss tonight. Great.”. So I wrap it up and decide to take her home. I think I pulled the excuse that I had a friend in town who was getting married. I guess she bought it. I immediately dropped her off back home and raced to meet up with my friends at a wannabe coffee shop and talk for a few more hours…and joke about girls who wait for missionaries. Long story short, my perfect date was ruined by no sleep, Chinese food and a girl being practically engaged.
It’s my 19th birthday coming up. A big group of my girl friends decide we should all hang out. It’s going to be on a friday night and we can all go to a party or do something. I don’t exactly remember what the plans are. Well, my birthday rolls around. My roommates are all out of town and I spend the day working. I finally get off work around 8:00 or so. I call one of the girls to see where they were at. She doesn’t answer. I decide to check twitter for minute. I immediately see them posting pictures with these “Provo All-stars” (mid 20 something douchebags that hit on freshman girls and normally sell security systems or pest controll) at their company party. No way. These girls had completely ditched me for the biggest tools in the toolshed? I was pissed. I text one of them and she tells me that they weren’t feeling good and were tired so they were going to stay in. I just respond with the picture she had retweeted a minute ago. I then deleted her number and haven’t talked to any of them since. Their loss. I even think a few are married and already divorced now.
I call one of my friends in Rexburg and she tells me that she’s bummed for me and wishes I was in Rexburg so we could have a party. Well after a half hour of sitting alone in my apartment I decide its worth it. I don’t have to work or go to school until Tuesday. I drive to Rexburg and get there around 1:00 AM, to a birthday cake waiting for me and a night with one of my favorite girls. So I guess this one still ended on a happy note.
Well there you have some of my worst encounters of dating or lack there of. There’s more that come to my mind but for the sake of my own pride and not wanting to look like a total loser, i’ll keep those off the internet. But I guess to ease the curious minds, one was a blind date with a girl who was married and had a kid, one was with a girl who thought I was the son of the British Prime Minister, a date where the location of the date was closed and I got a flat tire, and another is about a girl who convinced me she was 18 when she was much, much younger.
So whenever you get stood up or feel sad you’re single, just think back to this list. It could always be much, much worse.